One of the most ridiculous things a parent can say to a child is “Do as I say, not as I do.” It’s usually said when the child says something that implies the parent is a hypocrite, like “why am I grounded for smoking one cigarette when you smoke two packs a day!” (Feel free to make the child’s complaint about any habit. For example, “How come I’m grounded for drinking one can of beer when you drink a whole case a day?)
In practice the advice is absurd. Nobody listens to it. In fact it might have the opposite effect. Is there anyone reading this, who after hearing it, felt inspired felt enough to walk away from a boyfriend or girlfriend to because they offered you a cigarette? If you are like most of us you didn’t.
But if you did, good. Because, despite the hypocrisy, we should have listened. It’s good advice.
I’m not condoning it or implying that it’s OK to drink, smoke, do drugs or sleep around as long as you tell your kids not to. What I’m saying is that we were given good advice and fair warning.
When a parent says, “Do what I say…” what they are really saying is, “I’m addicted to this thing (whatever it is). It’s killing me and I feel powerless to stop. There’s no hope for me. Oh, and by the way, don’t end up like me.”
My step father said it to me when I was a teenager. He smoked and drank. He’d wake up in the morning and cough for a full fifteen minutes ejecting nasty looking mucus wads. His liver was swollen causing him to look much fatter than he was. The whites of his eyes turned yellow from the liver damage. Consequently, he died from complications of both habits, at a relatively young age. He gave me that advice for many reasons, some of them I’ll never know or understand, but I believe one was because he was warning me.
That’s the most terrible thing about drugs, alcohol and cigarettes. The addict knows, even if unconsciously, that what they are doing is wrong. They know they are slowly being killed. They watch the addiction feed on their spirits, but the worst thing of all is that they believe they can’t do anything about it.
I attended the course on self-destructive behavior among others. It was insightful to say the least. They started the class with the story of a man who is thrown overboard on a cruise ship by a rogue wave; as he is falling he frantically manages to grab onto the huge anchor on the side of the ship.. He is flooded with relief and considers the anchor his hope for survival. The captain decides to lower the anchor: much to the man’s dismay. He can’t let go because he remembers the relief he initially felt when he was “saved” by it. Can you see where this is going? He is on the bottom of the ocean still holding on, but his lungs begin to burn and he finally lets go and floats to the surface and is rescued. What anchor are you desperately holding onto that is draining the life out of you?
This story reveals that sometimes we make bad choices that seem good in the midst of difficult times. Your father suddenly dies of a heart attack and watching television and eating is a momentary sensory distraction from the pain. The emotional pain of not fitting in with your peers, then asking for a cigarette and suddenly you are welcomed into the group. You are humiliated on the football field and find relief and some self-esteem while playing endless hours of video games. It can be years later until finally the anchor of your choice (video games, illicit sex, alcohol, drugs, overeating, anger) eventually drains the life out of you.
This course helped me to identify my anchor. Now when “life happens”, I turn to the One who can actually help me.
My hand is firmly in the hand of God and I AM rescued.
KLW